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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
Music is best when it’s louder than I can think.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
"What did you do today?" "I text messaged." :)
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
The only thing I hate worse than holding a girl`s purse is when it doesn`t match what I`m wearing.
Ha, SUCKA`S! I just smuggled a bag of popcorn into the movie theater. Now I just need to borrow their microwave.
I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?
My “I hate you” face must look a lot like my “I’m loving this conversation” face.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.