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Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won`t be able to see.
It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they`ve beat you to it!
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
To skip any youtube ad just change ‘youtube’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Facebook. “…you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave…”
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.