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Stovetop Directions: 1.) Use microwave.
I wonder how seaworld would react if I walked in there with a fishing pole....
I don`t always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer.
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
Making fun of someone you`re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
Can anybody PLEASE tell me where you buy Common Sense?? I know several people that need some!!!
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.
I once met a guy who was addicted to huffing brake fluid. He said he could stop any time.