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Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
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Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
Think big, Think smart, Think positive, Think beautiful, Think great,I know this is too much for u,so here is a shortcut-Just think about me
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
I don`t know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
For someone who can`t put on a pair of socks without falling over, I sure do manage to get a lot done every day.
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.