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You can stop lifting weights now; it’s actually your personality that nobody likes.
I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don`t have iPhone. 2) I don`t have a girlfriend.
Where there`s a will I want to be in it
is not impatient. I just patient really fast.
I wonder if there are birds that prefer not to sing in the morning and that just roll around in their nests until noon.
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
OK. So I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
My 5 year plan is to watch Netflix. All of it.