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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
that moment when autocorrect decides to ruin you and makes a text incredibly awkward.
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
The best way to a woman`s heart is by saying three words - You lost weight.
Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............
My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can`t drive a bus.
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
As My Wife walked by, she said, "NICE PORN STASH!" which got me all excited and I preceded to show her where I hide the really raunch stuff. She then clarified that she was talking about the ugly hair I`ve been trying to grow above my lip, and now, I have neither... :)
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.