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" a fool and his money ----- are never around when you need a loan......"
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I`m not shy. I`m just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouth to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment directed at you will immediately spew from within me.
They say you`re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you`re hungry. It`s been several days now, what should I do?
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
I`m thinkin` Dodgeball........... but with random people..........who don`t know they are playing.............
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Do you realize that a woman`s "I`ll be ready in five minutes." and a guy`s " I`ll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x. She`s not coming back. And we don`t no y either.
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
I do this thing called "Whatever The F*ck I Want".
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.
Losing weight is not working for me, so I`m concentrating on getting taller.