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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you´ll have to catch up.
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
It scares me when the lights go out and it`s complete darkness. The first thing I think is ... OMG I just went blind!
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
I was born at a very early age.
Reincarnation is my only hope.