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If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
It`s hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
I`m convinced some people got married just so they could gripe about being married...
People are so predictable..I bet you`re even reading this status right now.
I don`t run away from my problems. That`s immature. I ignore them.
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
I dont care how you live your life, so just let me live mine. Yeah whatever.
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome.