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“Do you have a charger?” is the new “Could I bum a cigarette?”
I have thought a lot about it and I am thrilled to announce that I have decided to never die.
The larger the implants, the more likely she’ll be confused by a push/pull door.
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in...
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
Not everything on CNN is fake news. Some of it is commercials.
I`ve officially met everyone`s mother yesterday via Facebook so I`m pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy
Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.
Relationship has 12 letters, but then again so does alcohollllll
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"