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Stop bitchin about the frigid winter snow. There are kids in Africa who don`t even HAVE weather!
During the summer months, be sure to dress for the body you have. Not the body you want.
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
I tend to say “I dont know” when I’m too lazy to think.
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
When I was your age, we had to walk ten miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
I need a partner in wine.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
You might call it lazy ... I call it selective participation.
Ive been invited to farmville! Now what to wear...