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From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, “Yes, but does it work on cats?”
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
make little things count. teach midgets math.
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
"If Donald Duck doesn`t have to wear pants than neither do I!"- Me getting drunk at Disney World.
Whenever you feel nobody cares or loves you. You should ask yourself...Am I TOO sexy?
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!