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My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
I`ll never understand why single women waste so much time on dating websites when there are so many eligible bachelors right here in this adult bookstore.
I try not to be rude, but some people make it hard work.
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
Behind every beautiful woman, is a beautiful behind.
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
Am I the only one who thinks my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair?
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
If you never jumped from sofa to sofa as a kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
My ex-wifes facebook status said "I`m depressed and on the edge"... So I poked her!
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.