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If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Don`t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I`ve changed since then.
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
I`d like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
Today everything gets answered by the magic eight ball
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.
My husband told me he needed more space ... So I locked him outside.
One of the saddest days of my life was when I heard that bears sleep for half the year and I realized I had been born the wrong species