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Pepsi and Coke can`t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
Tomorrow, history will be made. Months and months of advertisements and anticipation has led up to this historic day. America will see firsthand what is surely to be a historic event, and I am proud to say I will do my part and pick up my copy of Halo 4.
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
Today is that day where anything you read online could be totally made up. Oh, wait, that`s every day.
Sometimes I can`t figure out if I`m in pre-school... high school.. oh wait, I`m at work.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Do you really have to breath that much?
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.