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Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Remember, You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.
Is there a 5-second Rule for when you drop babies? ...Asking for a friend. JK people!!! LOL ;)
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible
if your looking for love sorry to disappoint you im already in a relationship with fun and freedom. :-)
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.