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In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
Yeah but why do they call him Bigfoot if both of his feet are the exact same size
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
Some people just need to be clothes lined
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
I don`t think the guy below me understands how this works.
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
If two wrongs don`t make a right, try three.
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day