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Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
What I do when I black out is none of my business.
In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
You`d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won`t
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
I`m only 30 lbs away from my New Year`s resolution to lose 20 lbs!!
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
It`s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.
Let`s drink till this day makes some sort of sense.
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
Does the employee manual say I CAN`T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.