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Feeling bored? Go to a clothing store and put "one size fits all" stickers on the bras.
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
It’s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
I`m ready to regret having sex with you.
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Single Awareness Day ..... it`s a S.A.D. day
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.