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You should have been a chicken and just went home.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
I can`t believe I was late for work tomorrow..
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
Happy 4/21! National work drug testing day!
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.
Words of Wisdom: Don`t cover your mouth when you sneeze. You`ll get snot and stuff all over your hands