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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.
Facebook would be much more interesting if they let you decide, which part of the body you wanna Poke.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
You’re not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you`re better off staying home with no pants on.
Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?
I have no super powers. I`m guessing I`m the villain.
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
Tomorrow I`m going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn`t reach the toilet paper.
I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he`s fired!!