Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
I love everyone these days... Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others, I`d love to punch in the face...
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
I`ve never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
Facebook is perfect for those people that have never been very good at waiting for their turn to speak.
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."