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Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow.
I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
People say that 60 is the new 40. The cop who pulled me over didn`t agree.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life
They told me to never give up. Now they call me a stalker.
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
I want you to know that whatever problems you`re having, I`m here to read about it on Facebook
I`m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I`m also wearing a cape.
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
You´d be amazed how often I´m wrong when people say guess what