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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
Learned today that it`s about 12 min after realizing there`s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are.
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
I just want to be famous enough to have a Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn`t, you should know that I ignored you first.
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!
It`s always the rednecks that know all the inner most conspiracies of the government.