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The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
I really need a long road trip, top down, in the Jeep...with a cooler....loud music....and an extra cooler in case the first one isn`t enough
Why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let this stupidity problem solve itself?
You know you`re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature`s.
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
Sorry I liked your status, I was cleaning my phone.
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
Coffee: So I can do nothing with more energy.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
B!tch Please, your only fan is the one on your ceiling.
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.