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Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I might be a day late and a dollar short, but it is still my personal best.
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
Yeah... I may be old... But I`m still hot..... They just come in flashes now!
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane`s dog & she was like, "I`ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.