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Ran out of post-it notes, now I don`t know how to remind myself to buy more.
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
No one’s going to do it for you. It’s up to just you to make naps a priority in your life.
If you`re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
To be honest with you, I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
I’m hopelessly addicted to placebos ..I’d give them up, but it’d make no difference.
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
You are right when you realize you were wrong.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
If you recieve something that says,”Send it to all your friends” , then please don`t consider me as your friend.
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
Don`t understand how you can forget about someone you loved so much. Like that time my mum drove off and left me in the supermarket car park