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I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.
The final stage of adulthood is when you start saying, "Oooh, that breeze feels nice."
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
Got kicked out of Ziggy`s. " supposably" your not allowed to stand on their scales. Says I broke them. On the brighter side I weigh 135900 grams
Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.
Iām not the friend you put on speaker phone.
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
just keep scrolling nothing to see hear
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.