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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
Music is best when it’s louder than I can think.
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I may have taken too much sleep medication.......
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
If you say "cash money" around me, Don`t act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts" See how stupid that sounds?
Your mother never saw the irony in calling you son of a bitch.
Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That`s like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.