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Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
I love my toilet. We`ve been through alot of sh!t together.
Of course your opinion matters. Just not to me.
There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
I used to care ... but I take a pill for that now.
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
since when was it cool to have an iPhone at the age of 10.. i sincerely hope those parents know what they`ve done.
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don`t have a moon where I live.
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...