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Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
That weird moment when u just say "what`s up " to someone and they thing you`re a shrink.
There’s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.
I`m a beer enthusiast. The more beer I drink, the more enthusiastic I become.
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
At the start of every relationship many girls treat their boys as a GOD but later the alphabets are reversed
I`m so broke right now that if someone tried to rob me, they`d just be practising..
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
facebooked yo mama!!!
Without coffee, I’m just a really tall 2 year old.