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That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I`m roofing.
I don`t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
I don`t know about you....but I have thought about running away from home way more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.
My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it.
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
Little known fact: Walt Disney was the inventor of modern day text talk "M - I - C... C u real soon... K - E - Y... Y? Because we like u"
You´d be amazed how often I´m wrong when people say guess what
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.
There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.