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If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
Sometimes I wanna copy someone´s status word for word and see if they notice.
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity........thats how rich I want to be.
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
I took a nude photo of myself ... With the light off ... You`re welcome.
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
Sometimes, I question my sanity ... Sometimes, it replies
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words