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Partying on my level requires years of training.
I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
Don`t hate me because I think I`m beautiful.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
Juvenile humor My friend David lost his ID. We just call him Dav now. Here`s your sign..................
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn`t care.....Ceiling fan: 6 Me: 0
I`m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I`m also wearing a cape.
According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...