Daily Silly Status

A Lion would never cheat on his wife.. but a Tiger wood.

If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.

Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.

Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"

I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.

I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.

Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason. - kids

I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.

I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.

OK. So I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?

Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.