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Have you hugged you bartender today.
is tring to fool people into thinking I have a social life by going offline from Facebook for a few hours.
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
People saying "Laugh my a$$ off" and still having an a$$ next time I see them is the reason I have trust issues.
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
Wife: give me money I want to buy a bra. Husband: you`ve got nothing to put in them. Wife: you wear shorts
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
I don`t understand why people want a relationship when there`s pizza.
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.
Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying..."I`m Pregnant!"
?"May contain nudity".. either it does or it doesn`t.. quit waistin` my time.
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!