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It`s called "Biscotti" because nobody would buy "chocolate covered croutons".
According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart or at Taco Bell.