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Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
Weather forecast for tonight: dark
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
I`m already going to hell ... now I`m just trying to get a good spot.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.
I wonder if New York people find it weird to watch their own city being destroyed in Hollywood movies so many times..!!
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today