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Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
I`d like to be poor for a day, because being poor everyday gets to be real annoying after awhile.
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
It`s hard to look like a bad-ass when you`re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
An empty fridge is a sad fridge.
roses are red, violets are blue, god made everyone beautiful, what the hell happened to you?
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.