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Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
My tricks aren`t for kids.
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
Pretty much always 3-5 seconds away from just laying down wherever I am.
Dear sneeze, If you`re gonna happen, happen. Don`t put a stupid look on my face and leave
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Why can`t Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
Beauty is only a light switch away...
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
You`re pretty cocky for someone with such a small ... vocabulary.