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"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
If Eve sacraficed the whole human race for Apple, I wonder what she would have done for a Klondike Bar?
There`s no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.
It`s not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we`re the survivors.
It`s the weekend!!! The " Responsible Adult Button" has been switched to OFF!!
Better late than pregnant.
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.