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Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
Nuclear physicists can be lots of fun. They`re often referred to as the half life of any party.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
I eat bananas with a fork, so I don`t look gay.
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I haven`t gotten laid in so long, you`d swear I`ve been wearing Crocs all this time.
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.