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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
The bible says you can`t buy your way into heaven but there isn`t a church in the country that won`t encourage you to try.
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you`re one of them.
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
My brain has too many tabs open.
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.