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It`s just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair
No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, “Yes, but does it work on cats?”
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
I had 3 happy meals today and none of them worked.
A computer losing its internet access is the equivalent of a car running out of gas, both become useless.
Diet plan: make friends fatter
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women. Comment "You 3 look incredible!!"
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
God is testing me today, but I don`t think he realizes I`m a `C` student.
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
I find the best way to get rid of headaches is to send them either to their rooms or outside to play.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.