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Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
"Let`s give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
It´s Friday!! yea! Oh sorry, I was just practicing.
I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Adam Levine beating me out for sexiest man contest is complete bullsh*t.
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
It`s amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.