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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
Who´s up for Candyland? $20 buy in
I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
She lost me at, "I don`t watch football."
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.