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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
A lot of people don`t realise that Shania Twain`s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
If Miley doesn`t get her sh!t together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college.
I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
I told you a million times do not exaggerate!
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful