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I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
I don’t love being single but I do love being happy.
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
I embraced my inner child today and the lil` bastard bit me!