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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms 2. Describing tumors 3. Playing golf
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
I have two moods: sleep is for the weak and sleeping for a week.
Oh cool! ... I really do not care.
Long time ago I used to be young and handsome.. Today? Just handsome
I can`t stand people who use song lyrics in their status` because they remind me of sombody that I used to know
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
I`m laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I`m in "downward facing chalk outline".
I need to find a woman that loves me for my money....but doesn`t understand math. (<>..,<>)