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The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
Due to Global Warming Santa will be giving out Solar Panels to all the naughty kids this year!
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
Since my ear surgery I haven`t heard from my doctor. Not sure if that`s a good thing or not.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
I`ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.