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I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
I hate it when chicks wear pink camo. I`m like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you`ll have good luck. Or some kind of virus because pennies are dirty and gross.
decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
My bf just got out of jail. Says life in jail for him was a big pain in the a$$
Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"
I think Facebook now comes under the housework category.