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Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
The only way a fidgey spinner would relieve my stress is if it was edible ...
There´s a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that"
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 3 or 4 births before they throw you out.
Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
I started seeing this girl recently. She sometimes texts. Sometimes Whatsapps. Sometimes she emails. Sometimes she Facebooks. Im getting mixed messages.
I don`t see the point of sex if the neighbours don`t hear it.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
It`s depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.