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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"
WORST.... APOCALYPSE..... EVER.....
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
I`d offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
My friends are the kind that would flirt with the fireman while my house was burning down.
Excessive consumption of alcohol seems like a good idea.
Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
Your so old, you knew Burger King when he was a prince.
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".