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My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
"Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry."
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
Peeing in the sink is a great time saver: no lifting the seat, no flush, sink is right there to wash hands jk I don`t wash my hands.
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
That awkward moment when you can’t tell if it’s a Halloween costume or their regular clothes…