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I noticed the toilet roll incorrectly installed in your selfie.
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
I don`t wanna be told what to do unless I`m naked
This is my first status of 2017. Yeah, I thought it would be better too.
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?
I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I`m still looking for ideas
I wish I could understand what women with big boobs are saying.
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"