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I log off because I`m bord... I log on 5min later because I`m bord
How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?
I want a firsthand test of the "mo money, mo problems" hypothesis.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
Iām not shy, Iām just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
With so many things coming back in style, I can`t wait until morals and intelligence become a trend again.
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
roses are red, violets are blue, god made everyone beautiful, what the hell happened to you?
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.