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I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
looong and hard, yep thats my pencil.
I only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
For men who think.."A women`s place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that`s where the Knives are kept!
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
I know u r but what am I ?
Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.