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My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
Please don’t take anything I say personal or too seriously. I’m just an idiot with internet access.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" - 17th century sext
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
“True beauty is within” for example opening your fridge.
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along.
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.