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Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.
Yeah, I was gonna do that, but summer.
I bet the Fantastic 4 were just pretending to have a girl in the group. "Uh yeah she`s just invisible right now. She`s totally real though."
You think you have a tough job? I clean the windows on automatic doors.
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.