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It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, "You gotta bring it today!" ... So I packed a lunch and went to work.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
Studies show that people with high sex drives also tend to be very forgetful. Did I tell you guys that already?
I will stop loving you, when Spongebob gets his driving license.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
That sound the Ketch-up make when you squeeze out the last drop, NEVER fails in making people laugh
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"
I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.