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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I’m pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
I`m at my most likable before you get to know me.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
Do not keep all your work for tomorrow, always remember you can also do it the day after tomorrow.. Be lazy, Think crazy.
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS!?!?! ~me, aggressively handing out cake
Note to self: Thanks for always being there.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.
OK so i have an idea ............... wait why are you all running away?