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Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
You dont know sh!t about pressure until you`re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they`re just nodding and thinking about bacon.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.