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Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they`d put cocaine back in their recipe.
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
Love going into a crowded area and yelling, "Hey stupid!!" and seeing how many people turn around.
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
My posts come from a dark place.. I haven`t paid my light bill in 3 months.
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.