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Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.....
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
According to Debrah in HR, "Back up off my balls" is not the proper way to tell someone to wait for assistance.
Serving size ?? LMAO
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.