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I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
Partying on my level requires years of training.
Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
I have lost my mind and I am making no effort to look for it.
Describe myself in three words ... 1. Lazy
My bed is way more comfortable in the mornings than during the night.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!