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That logical moment when you`re watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven`t taken him away from his parents yet.
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don`t mix.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
How awesome would it be if boobs made maraca sounds when you shook them? LOL
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
Mouth the word " vacuum" to a stranger & see what happens.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."