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Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.
I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I`m like that, but with salad.
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
Scent is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.