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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven.
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
Lately I`ve been convinced that some people were born solely for purpose of eventually pissing me off...
I`m switching to Metric. I would weigh a lot less on the Metric scale.
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".