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FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
I`m 5`5" and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
Are you always this stupid? or are you just making special effort today...
I’m eating just in case I get hungry later
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
Just hired two Private Investigators to follow each other. I`ll keep you posted......
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.
I had a very confident breakdown today. ...Wasn`t nervous at all. ;)