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All guys should learn from Mario Bros. No matter how far their princess is, they should go after her.
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
I got up at 7:00 this morning .. lather rinse repeat ... How long do you have to do this for?
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!
Trying to be a responsible adult is messing up my social life.
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?
Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic