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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
I hate when I get to work and I`m at work.
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Yes I am a bad boy ... But your the one that`s going to get spanked.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.
Don`t send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!
I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don`t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc`d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.