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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
To all my Facebook friends. Have a happy St. Patrick`s day, and all the festivities this weekend. Stay safe, enjoy life, and if you by chance happen to find a bartender who is bad at math...give me a call :)
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
Iām that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
I`m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating. - Guys.
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
Hi Iām an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Hey you! Yea you ... Don`t just pass by my status and not say hi.
I don`t know karate, but I do know crazy, and I`m not afraid to use it.