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Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
What number SPF blocks people?
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
The only part I like about doing laundry is saying I`ve got a big load
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
That`s disgusting! (unless you`re up for it?)
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my goals for the day.
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.