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It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
Smile at the people who hate you. It makes them wonder what you`re up to. :)
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
You make me have filthy thoughts, and for that I thank you...
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Every morning I check my girlfriends horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
Pretty much the only time I want to hear about your ex is if she`s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I`m good.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.
I`m the type of person who will throw away the manual and ponder for 3 hours "where the hell do I start"
Born free. Now, I’m expensive.
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.