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Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
It`s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
My mom always said that I`d never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. ...I sure hope they let me back in Walmart.
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
I`ve always wondered why they don`t have a pregnant Barbie doll? Turns out Ken comes in a different box...
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!