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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
Grab the bull by the horns. The other end is too gross...
“Let me rephrase this question so I can get pissed off at you all over again.” - WOMEN
Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.
When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
Well, if anything, the Mayans did teach us one valuable lesson. If you don`t finish something...it`s really not the end of the world.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
"Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry."
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"