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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
It`s the simple things that make me laugh....mostly you.
Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow.
The guy who invented wet t-shirt contests probably has no idea that shirts can just be taken off.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I`m too lazy to learn science too.
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
Don´t wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect.
I just stepped on a cornfkake does that make me a cereal killer ?
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, "neighborhood watch" isn`t what I thought it was.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.