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I will not be satisfied until I see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
I may look like I`m doing nothing, but in my head I`m quite busy.
I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
I`m terribly sorry but I have decided not to grow up and act my age after all. So there.
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
I`d share my Netflix login but I`m too embarrassed by "My List".
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
If you don`t do stupid sh!t while you`re young, you`ll have nothing to talk about later in life while sitting at the bar.
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"