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Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
I`m at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn`t have to get up to pee.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
“Let’s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise” – sports fans
Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of crap.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....