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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
I’m working on my resume. Should I use the term “mad skillz” or would “mad skills” be more formal?
Sometimes people try to expose what`s wrong with you, because they can`t handle what`s right about you.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
Any fool can use a computer ... Many do
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
Life is so hard when you have twenty TV shows to watch.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my a$$, I can`t.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.