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If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.
How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
Why do they play this music on the elevators if we`re not suppose to slow dance.
Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s
My ex said he would die for me. All I`m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.