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Are nap dates a thing? Because that`s something I can work with...
I`m going to buy a new dictionary. After watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don`t understand the meaning of Final.
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
What if the weather talks about us?
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, Iām picking your pockets.
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?
~WARNING~ I will more than likely offend you at some point in time