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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
If I have to stir it, it’s homemade.
I scratch my a$$ way to much to chew my fingernails...
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
The parents with the ugliest babies take and post the most pictures.
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.
Now tell me how old your baby is in hours.
Feeling a little sassy today...But then again, that`s everyday