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You call the shots. I`ll drink them.
Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
I´m (insert your name) BITCHES!!!! Deal with that.
I thought I was having deja vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
You know you`re addicted to your iphone when you start using your fingers to zoom into things on your laptop computer. Or a printed photo. Or a book. Or your watch.
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
How can I love nature when it did this to my hair?
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don`t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
So apparently RSVP`ing back to a wedding invite `maybe next time` isn`t the correct response
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
If couples who are in love are called `love birds.` Then couples who always argue should be called `angry birds.`
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal