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We are so fortunate not to live in China, they have to hide their posts in cookies.
Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
What`s the lowest IQ someone can have while still being a relatively full functioning adult? My wife wants to know.
I`m getting older but I still have my moments...though I don`t always remember where I put them
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
It`s not that I`m judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.
Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
Why don`t they just get Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.
It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.