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When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
I`m not judging you, I`m just trying to guess what medications you`re on.
you know that awkward moment when you think someone`s talking to you so you reply to them and then they look over at you with that disgusted facial expression that says "wtf ..no"
I`d bite my nails less if there wasn`t always chocolate frosting under them.
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
It`s fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car`s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Facebook. “…you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave…”
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it`s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."