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Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
I never said I hated you. I just said that if you where on fire, I would consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
You think I’m mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinky head that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.