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To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.
Two years ago I became a proud parent. My kid is 6, but they were kind of a pain those first four years.
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
Ya know u would never know u where happy if u never had bad memory.
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.
you know you`ve been facebooking too much when you accidentally say "LOL", in person...
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!