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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
I saw a girl being irresponsible texting while driving and it really ticked me off.....So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of people wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
To skip any youtube ad just change ‘youtube’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
No. My hair magically got shorter.
i didn`t know i had a facebook account until now