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I`ll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I`m thinking to myself..."Umm...isn`t that what real life is for?"
I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
If you guys could read my mind! It would be all like; " "
I really need a day inbetween Saturday an Sunday
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
What if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.
Still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk