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If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
One time I asked some girl what she was thinking. By the time she finished her thought we had 2 children.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
you know why maths is unhappy? because it got so many problems.
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
I may or may not have just "Whipped my Hair Back and Forth".......
No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Bacon is the only exception that does not fall under the 5 second rule for dropped food.
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.