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Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
The Internet: An electronic version of, "Now, why did I walk into this room?"
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
I probably shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night ... Especially as I walked there in the first place.
There is no time to check time
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...