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Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you`re stupid.
Yadot rorrim eht fo edis gnorw eht no pu ekow I. (I woke up on the wrong side of the mirror today.)
Diet plan: make friends fatter
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.
“Be yourself” is the worst advice you can give to some people.