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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs...by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
if your looking for love sorry to disappoint you im already in a relationship with fun and freedom. :-)
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
Serving sarcasm with a smile since 1984.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Yawning is the body`s way of saying `10% Battery Remaining`.
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.