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Better pound all these beers so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.
Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
Has anyone ever seen a gorilla in the mist? Some of the local drivers struggle to see my car in perfect daylight conditions, so I doubt that they`d spot a Gorilla in limited visibility!!!!!
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
Doing absolutely nothing on the weekends has started to feel more fun than actually going out.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
If you can`t celebrate Valentine`s Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I`ve been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.