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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
Screw you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
Call me faithless, but I just can`t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
"Let`s give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger...Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don`t like.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
I`ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.!!
I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you`d better do what I meant and not what I said.