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Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
Bitch I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
I don’t know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese’s to a box of tampons could literally save lives.
What if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs?
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
Merry Christmas week! The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning!
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
Being an American is awesome. The end.
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet… I get hungry.
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?
Mosquito`s and parking inspectors must be from the same family...