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"Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
really vry funny
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
This Pokemon Go crap is getting ridiculous. I just saw a fight breakout between the pokebloods and the pokecrips.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to "unstable".
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.
Thursday doesn`t even count as a day, it`s just the thing that`s blocking friday.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.
They say children are a gift from god. I`m totally wide-open to regifting.