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Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
I never owned a telescope, but it`s something that I`m thinking of looking into.
The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
B!tch, I will slap you by accident on purpose.
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
hmmmm...halo or horns today??
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
Nothing makes me more nervous than getting FB msg saying, “You’ve been tagged in a photo” after a crazy weekend.
The term "chubby chasers" is so inaccurate and misleading. Cause we don`t run.