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Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons!! Enjoy the day
My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
Yes I admit I am a freak. Now, grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
Guys, if you buy ANY woman clothing, & you don’t get her a size S with a gift receipt, you’re an a$$hole.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
If McDonald´s sold hot dogs, could u, with a straight face, order a McWeiner & tell them 2 super size it?
Is there anything more awkward than when you are singing along to a song on youtube and the music stops loading.
Sweating is for people who do stuff.