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I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
I can`t believe I was late for work tomorrow..
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
You are the reason why I bite the heads off teddy grams.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
It´s Friday!! yea! Oh sorry, I was just practicing.
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
Now tell me how old your baby is in hours.
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.