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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
You may think I`m dumb but you overestimate me.
According to the law it`s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax, We get it you`re unoriginal and watch SOA ... Hold on my daughter Grey`s Anatomy is crying.
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people, to remember the same thing.
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
Ya know what I really hate about mornings? People start talking to me!
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
Driving a Dodge doesn`t automatically make you a defensive driver.