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If your job title is head receiver, you know you`re doing something right.
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
Walmart killed the traveling circus.
"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
I remember, once upon a time... for about 2 seconds... about 13 years ago... I almost gave a damn.
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.
whenever i`m bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!
Just saw Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter... So that`s how it happened! I knew what I learned in history class was a bunch of crap!
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.