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That awkward moment when there`s not a single awkward moment
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
Hi I’m a spider & I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
169 is still a sex position, but with a creepy guy watching.
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it`s two boobs.
The only difference between sex and breakfast is sometimes I don`t want breakfast.
Hooray ! My face book film has been nominated for an Academy Award
I finally stopped caring what other people think ... I hope everyone`s ok with that.
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
I don’t understand decaf coffee. It’s like sex without the sex.
I try not to limit my madness to March.
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."