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Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
Of course it`s you. If it was me I wouldn`t even bring it up.
Told my kids next time I take their electronics away I`d also be responding to all texts they receive. They`ve been well behaved since.
You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
Most people don`t think I`m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I think I`m gonna glue my thumbs to my nipples and pretend I`m a T-Rex.
Today was about as much fun as a warm toilet seat in a public restroom!
Yeah I`m married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT`S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
My ex-wifes facebook status said "I`m depressed and on the edge"... So I poked her!