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Hey Samsung and Apple, no need for commercials. We’ve all chosen sides.
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
I`ve been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
"Memory foam pillow fights". That`s one fight you`ll never forget.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
No PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on Facebook.
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, scratch between my butt cheeks....I`m in public.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
“Let’s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise” – sports fans
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.
Don`t sell yourself short, in fact, don`t sell yourself at all. I`m pretty sure it`s illegal
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?