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Life is too short to be kissing the wrong a$$.
"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
I don`t always agree with everything I say. :)
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house today.
bitches want what they cant have..or thats what I keep telling myself
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.