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I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
"I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
I`m having trouble telling if it`s killing me or making me stronger
I’ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn’t need my assistance, so I’m going back to bed.
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
I have no super powers. I`m guessing I`m the villain.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I finally got some medication for my Attention Deficit Disorder. Now if I could just remember the name of it and where I left it at.
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.