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Honesty is the best policy, unless you`re trying to return something that you`ve already worn.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook.
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
I’m sad when my food is over.
Don`t forget, If anyone asks we are a normal family.
the `real` me doesnt do facebook
I have no time for stupid people But they sure seem to have time for me.
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.