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"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
New day, same old bullsh!t
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
Oh well, this time isn`t going to procrastinate itself.
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
Its amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumba$$!"
Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this "problem" not heard of pizza and alcohol?
No Shirt No Shoes No Service. What about pants?
There’s gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to “Baby Got Back.”
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."
I have finally conquered my annoying habit of repeatedly pressing the snooze button every morning by programming my alarm clock to play lullabies!