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Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I don`t like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don`t need that kind of pressure.
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
When I found out my toaster wasn`t waterproof, I was shocked!
I was going to LIKE and compliment your FB pic, but I`m not a good liar.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
Actually told a girl who`s moving to France soon that "there`s lots of French people over there". It`s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.