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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
If she can cook like her mother and drink like her father, she`s a keeper.
Mrs Bieber.... WHY U NO USE CONDOM?
Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
thinks my life is becoming a very complicated drinking game.
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don`t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I’m watching this show on stalkers, still haven’t seen any of you yet.