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If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
good boys go to heaven bad boys go every where
My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
Pro tip - You can blame anything on autocorrect.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
I always tell my kids that it`s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
It took Harry Potter 7 damn long books to catch the bad guy. When it only takes Scooby-Doo 25 minutes.
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
A good way to break up with a girl gently, is to curtsy when you`re meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."
If Welch’s is 100% Grape Juice, then why the heck do you list 4 other ingredients?
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.