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Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
It`s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Why are kids obese? Maybe because Burgers are $.99, & Salads are $4.99.
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
Falling in love when lonely is a lot like shopping when hungry, you end up with a bunch of sh!t you don`t need.
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
Sometimes you just have to logout...
"Has anybody ever seen a chicken fly? No? Good, there`s nothing wrong with ya"
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.