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I don`t mind people sneezing in public. It`s that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
why we do not have a romance class...............
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."