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scream outloud and really fast "I won a math debate"
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
I feel like being that guy that gets upset when people use the term "straight A`s". "Fabulously flawless A`s" sounds much better.
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.
Ebay is really getting worse and worse to use. Yesterday I searched for a cigarette lighter. I got 3,974, 601 matches...
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?